Well, by now I am sure we have all seen the infamous Time cover, with the controversial image of the mother breastfeeding, blah blah blah.
Frankly, I'm a little tired of the controversy. It's nobody's business if I breastfeed my child until they start college. But I have some pointed questions to send to Ms. Jamie Lynne Grumet, that famous lactator. Like many of you, my crunchy compatriots, the first question that popped in my mind when I saw the cover was not, "Why is she feeding a child who is old enough to make his own peanut butter sandwiches?” nor “Why does she breastfeed standing up, like her child is a cocked rifle on her hip?” Instead, the question that comes to me is the most obvious one of all:
Why is she breastfeeding only one child?
When it comes down to it, we all know that women are inherently lazy. I deal with this in myself all the time. I clean with all-natural homemade cleaning products only three hours a day. I read my children stories printed on handmade sustainable bamboo paper for only an hour a day. I am only a wife, mother, nighttime parent, bestselling author, yoga instructor, pilates student, artisan cheesemaker, and full-time breastfeeder. But when I want to make up for my laziness, I multi-task. It’s something we are all familiar with. I have two hands, so I write blog posts while I do the dishes. I have two ears so I listen to parenting audiobooks with one and a combination of Brahms and Beethoven with the other. I have two feet so I use an elliptical with one and practice my Irish step-dancing with the other.
But most important – more important than any of these other things – I have two breasts. So I breastfeed two babies. And if she were a real crunchy mom, she would too.
Now, I only have one child of breastfeeding age, so I usually borrow another one. I have some neighbors with babies, whose mothers selfishly chose to bottlefeed instead, so I borrow them (with their parents’ permission of course). Sometimes there are some stray kittens that walk through the neighborhood, so I catch them and nurse them. When there are no available babies, I always—at the very least—pump once every hour and forty-five minutes at the same time I breastfeed, and donate the milk to orphans. I mean, really, what else do I have to do? Am I so busy with keeping house, mothering, nursing, and sleeping four hours a night that I can’t stand to do more for my fellow (wo)man?
Too Krunchy, we are pioneers. We have to make use of every moment of opportunity that is available to us. And part of that is to remember that old moral maxim passed down to me through generations of strong women: “An idle titty is the workshop of the devil.” Truer words were never spoken.