Well, by now I am sure we have all seen the infamous Time
cover, with the controversial image of the mother breastfeeding, blah blah
blah.
Frankly, I'm a little tired of the controversy. It's
nobody's business if I breastfeed my child until they start college. But I have
some pointed questions to send to Ms. Jamie Lynne Grumet, that famous lactator.
Like many of you, my crunchy compatriots, the first question that popped in my
mind when I saw the cover was not, "Why is she feeding a child who is old
enough to make his own peanut butter sandwiches?” nor “Why does she breastfeed standing
up, like her child is a cocked rifle on her hip?” Instead, the question that
comes to me is the most obvious one of all:
Why is she
breastfeeding only one child?
When it comes down to it, we all know that women are
inherently lazy. I deal with this in myself all the time. I clean with
all-natural homemade cleaning products only three hours a day. I read my
children stories printed on handmade sustainable bamboo paper for only an hour
a day. I am only a wife, mother, nighttime parent, bestselling author, yoga
instructor, pilates student, artisan cheesemaker, and full-time breastfeeder. But
when I want to make up for my laziness, I multi-task. It’s something we are all
familiar with. I have two hands, so I write blog posts while I do the dishes. I
have two ears so I listen to parenting audiobooks with one and a combination of
Brahms and Beethoven with the other. I have two feet so I use an elliptical
with one and practice my Irish step-dancing with the other.
But most important – more important than any of these other
things – I have two breasts. So I breastfeed two babies. And if she were a real crunchy mom, she would too.
Now, I only have one child of breastfeeding age, so I usually
borrow another one. I have some neighbors with babies, whose mothers selfishly
chose to bottlefeed instead, so I borrow them (with their parents’ permission
of course). Sometimes there are some stray kittens that walk through the
neighborhood, so I catch them and nurse them. When there are no available
babies, I always—at the very least—pump once every hour and forty-five minutes
at the same time I breastfeed, and donate the milk to orphans. I mean, really,
what else do I have to do? Am I so busy with keeping house, mothering, nursing,
and sleeping four hours a night that I can’t stand to do more for my fellow (wo)man?
Too Krunchy, we are pioneers. We have to make use of every
moment of opportunity that is available to us. And part of that is to remember
that old moral maxim passed down to me through generations of strong women: “An
idle titty is the workshop of the devil.” Truer words were never spoken.
--Crunchier Mom
